Dark and Mysterious

Ava Gardner looking beautiful in black, c. 1940’sThis...

Thu, 09 May 2013 21:27:38 -0400

Ava Gardner looking beautiful in black, c. 1940’s
This photograph was found on the Ava Gardner Museum’s Facebook page [x]

As a writer, who wouldn’t love a pair of these…

Mon, 06 May 2013 20:01:45 -0400

As a writer, who wouldn’t love a pair of these…

vintagegal: Illustration by Vald’Es for La Vie Parisienne c....

Sun, 05 May 2013 21:05:40 -0400

vintagegal:

Illustration by Vald’Es for La Vie Parisienne c. 1923

Why I Will Never Do Online Dating Again

Sun, 05 May 2013 11:51:32 -0400

By Megan Hein on May 5, 2013

Back in fall 2010, soon after I had graduated college, I swallowed my pride and did online dating. Out of all my friends, I was the pioneer in the group, the lab-rat who was willing to message dozens of guys to hear nothing but crickets, to lower my standards and go out with guys I wasn’t attracted to, to suffer humiliating and excruciating dates, and to take countless pies in the face from sticking my neck out (and occasionally getting burned in the process).

It’s funny that while I deleted my last account over a year ago, two of my good friends are now doing online dating. And when I hear their usual tales of woe, I am reminded how much I never want to return to online dating and suffer through the same old bullshit.

My friends (and friends of friends. It appears three years later, everyone I encounter has at least tried it) are coming across the same issues I’ve had: guys who talk to you for a period of time, ask you out, then disappear (either by deleting their profiles, or just not responding), guys who message you just wanting sex or saying really absurd things.

And for your amusement, here the most memorable messages I’ve received:

“I see you’re a writer. Can you write me a bed-time story?”

“Damn! You and me should get together and make some bad decisions!”

“My most important hobby includes talking to cute girls on Plenty of Fish (wink, wink)”

“Your chin is a killer!”

Can someone hand me the barf bag please?

Oh, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I won’t even begin to get into the terrible in-person dates, such as the guy who reemerged from the bathroom still fiddling with his fly, or the guy who ogled at me for a good 20 seconds and kept telling me how beautiful I was, or date who had me watch The Big Lebowski in the living room with his parents.

At some point, you hit a wall. I just can’t…. take it anymore. No, never, ever again.

Preach it, sister.

Sat, 04 May 2013 19:49:33 -0400

Preach it, sister.

avasgal: “Only the absolutely determined people...

Sat, 04 May 2013 19:45:02 -0400

avasgal:

“Only the absolutely determined people succeed.”

~Audrey Hepburn

flowerscrackconcrete: Kim Gordon outside a NYC venue during a...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:28:16 -0400

flowerscrackconcrete:

Kim Gordon outside a NYC venue during a NMS showcase,1990

Photo by Scott Munroe

Dear Single Ladies: Maybe It’s Not You, It’s….Timing

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 21:49:00 -0400

By Megan Hein on April 29, 2013

The successful carer woman who’s a failure at love. Are we sick of this archetype yet?

Whenever I read up on the plight of the modern-day single woman, I hear nothing but negativity. Countless articles and books, such as Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb, or Tracy McMillan’s Why You’re Not Married…Yet seem to lay the blame at single women’s feet. We’re too picky. We’re too career-focused. We’re too independent. We’re too clingy. We’re too slutty. We’re too standoffish. Our standards are too high. Our standards aren’t high enough. Blah, blah, blah.

Not once have I seen a single book or article castigate men who are single. When am I going to see a book like Marry Her: The Case for Settling for Brains Over T&A? I mean, really. Why is it always women who are deemed too picky? Isn’t it a biological fact that men are more hard-wired to respond quicker to physical appearance than women? If women responded to physicality the way men did, we all know women would be scarfing up copies of Playgirl rather than gay guys.

Already, at the ripe old age of 24 (the same age my unmarried grandmother was in 1947 when she was called “leftovers”) I have been told I’m too picky or that my standards are too high. I have been told that I expect a guy to act a certain way or to do things for me at a certain time. The offending party who told me this wasn’t an enemy but actually a close friend, which hurt worse. Said friend had not long ago became “serious” with a guy she was dating. At 25, this was her first serious relationship. Her previous relationships were short-lived, because they lacked two things: 1.) a common ground, and b.) chemistry. So only a few short months prior, she had been in the same camp as me, and in reality, was just as “picky” as I was.

The difference 65+ years of feminism makes: my grandmother was called an old maid, I was cautioned that I may become one!

I took umbrage at being told I “expect guys to do things for me at a certain time.” What the fuck did that mean? I asked. She made me sound like a prima donna, one who expected a man to wine and dine her every weekend and roll out the red-carpet.

Apparently, what she meant was that I was too picky about men who were clingy. “I remember you complained about a guy who texted you too soon after a date, and said you wished he would have waited three days,” she responded. WHAT?! Wow. Ok. I never dumped anyone over that. In context, that comment was something said off the cuff between friends. Jesus Christ.

What’s the bottom line here? I don’t want a clinger. Don’t suffocate me. Don’t ruin the mystery. In the beginning, I like mystery. I like the chase! As someone who’s been essentially single (most) of her whole life, I find it disorienting to jump right into a relationship. Not to mention, most relationship experts will tell you jumping into any kind of relationship is unhealthy, regardless.

No clingers please!

So maybe, my innate independence is my parents’ fault. Or maybe, just like Lori Gottlieb, I should lay the blame at second-wave feminism’s feet. Maybe I should have never gone to college, got a degree, and held down various jobs. Maybe I should have never been an only-child who values her alone time, and is a certified introvert. What all these panicky “Women who are perpetually single are too picky” books and articles enjoy noticing is that these same women are also educated, career-oriented, and independent. And they make that sound like those positive aspects are negative, because they make women too picky, unable to settle, and therefore die alone. Oh the horror!

This is why feminists are pulling their hair out.

Feminism never taught us to hold out for Prince Charming and act like little princesses. No. Feminism said, Fuck that. Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and you are not a princess to be placed on a pedestal. You are a human being who deserves to be well-rounded and achieve self-actualization, and while you are in the process of finding that, maybe you can find a man who’s compatible and respects your beliefs.

Do you know why having an education, doing deep soul-searching, traveling to different locales, and holding down various jobs (in short: becoming a well-rounded individual) makes you up your standards in terms of a mate? Because you’re not going to settle for some average schmuck who plays video games all day in his parents’ basement, smokes too much weed, and is essentially an inept man-child who can’t take care of himself.

If you have high expectations for yourself, you’ll also have higher expectations for your mate.

So what Lori Gottlieb suggests to women who are my age is to marry someone with whom you don’t have a close connection with or little chemistry. Settle! Oh how nice. I wouldn’t even want to date someone who has none of these qualities. I mean, really. Why should I want to date someone with whom I have no attraction and chemistry? Isn’t that the difference between friends and a significant other? Women are constantly being told to forgo chemistry, and I think a lot of it has to do with how men and women are raised. Women are raised to be objects of desirability rather than the one who desires. Therefore, our libido is ignored.

According to Lori Gottlieb, I guess I should not have deleted a guy on Plenty of Fish who messaged me three times, and whose only interests listed were muscle cars and women. Or maybe I should have stayed with the boyfriend who had no sex drive, who despite feeling attracted to him, I had no chemistry with, and whose “straight-edge” lifestyle I began to find self-righteous and incompatible with my own morality. Or maybe I should have kept dating a neo-conservative who took me out on a date that accidentally began an awkward conversation about feminism and politics. I actually had chemistry with the neo-conservative, despite that we had nothing in common and conflicting political views.

If anyone’s being told to forgo chemistry, it’s always women. Why? Is our libido less important?

I’m not stupid. Obviously, I know at end of the day looks and chemistry isn’t what it’s all about. Which is why I say that I want an intellectual connection, an emotional connection, and chemistry. I think all three are equally important. And I know chemistry and passion cools, but there’s a world of difference between bringing it back, and then never having it in the first place. You need that initial spark if you’re going to light an oven.

And yet, from the last person I dated, I’ve learned that even someone who sounds good on paper won’t be a sure sign that you will be compatible, or even have chemistry. Physically, my last boyfriend fit my type to a T. He was intelligent, engaging, and emotionally available. I should have been gaga for him. Sparks should have been flying. But they weren’t. And as time went on, I began to see how incompatible we were. And so I ended it. Staying in that relationship made me miserable. I cringed at his touch. I began counting up his faults. And you know how I knew I did the right thing? Because I felt immediately happy afterwards. And not a bit jealous or regretful when I learned he began dating someone else.

Sometimes what sounds good on paper, doesn’t turn out as planned…

Why can’t people acknowledge that a lot about dating is about timing? Is it because we like feeling in control? The older I get, the more I realize that it’s all about being at the right place at the right time. If I had met X person a few months before he met X girlfriend, would we be an item? If I went into a certain bar on a certain night would I have a potential date lined up in the future? If I had gotten a different job, gone to a different school, or been born in a different state, would I have always been single?

Often the real reason women, or anybody is single, is because the timing just hasn’t been right. That’s it. And it’s a bitch that it’s something you can’t control. But I do believe there are things that you can do to increase your chances. You can approach people you find attractive and strike up conversations. You can make (another) online dating profile (just don’t take it too seriously or you will become seriously depressed). You can join clubs with like-minded individuals who share similar interests (hello meet-up.com). You can go out and have an active social life. All of that doesn’t mean that you’ll find someone, because I’ve been doing several of these things for the past four years, and haven’t had long-term boyfriend yet. But the most you can do is try, and maybe someday… you’ll strike gold.

Photo

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 15:15:55 -0400

Some of the best lyrics ever written.

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 11:10:40 -0400

Some of the best lyrics ever written.

Kathleen Hanna and Joan Jett.

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 22:08:00 -0400

Kathleen Hanna and Joan Jett.

I recently tried to read A Working Theory of Love by Scott...

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 13:00:59 -0400

I recently tried to read A Working Theory of Love by Scott Hutchins, and could only get halfway through. Something about the book bothered me, although I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was it the slight Sci-Fi aspect of a talking computer whose brain was created from the journals of the protagonist’s father? No, not really. I think it was the protagonist’s relationship to a young woman half his age, which felt more fantasy than reality, which irked me. And then I saw this graphic, and it hit the nail on the head! YES! There are too many of these out there… It’s like the prototype of a rom-com for hipsters…

This is me, after I discovered single women outnumber single men...

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 11:38:49 -0400

This is me, after I discovered single women outnumber single men in NYC by more than 210,000.

Unfortunately, I’m allergic to cats, so it might as well be Pomeranians.

Ava Gardner circa 1953. Reprinted in People for their Feb 12,...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 10:56:00 -0400

Ava Gardner circa 1953. Reprinted in People for their Feb 12, 1990 issue, shortly after her death.

A 21 year-old Sylvia Plath, during the summer of 1953.

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 22:12:00 -0400

A 21 year-old Sylvia Plath, during the summer of 1953.

itmustbehardtobeyou: “in 1985 when i was a babe with hair.”...

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:53:05 -0500

itmustbehardtobeyou:

“in 1985 when i was a babe with hair.” (Jim Reid)

Photo

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 18:13:50 -0500

Quote of the Week: Morrissey on Involuntary Celibacy Morrisey: I...

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 16:07:31 -0400

Quote of the Week: Morrissey on Involuntary Celibacy

Morrisey: I don’t have relationships at all. It’s out of the question.
Interviewer: Why?
Morrisey: Partly because I was always attracted to men or women who were never attracted to me. And I was never attracted to women or men who were attracted to me. So that’s the problem. I’ve never met the right person.

From “The deep end”, interview by Nick Kent, The Face (March 1990).

Well said, Moz, well said.

photo source

Andy Warhol’s 1980 silkscreen print of Debbie Harry. Photo...

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 11:27:00 -0400

Andy Warhol’s 1980 silkscreen print of Debbie Harry. Photo from London’s Sotheby’s auction house on June 29, 2011 as part of their contemporary art sale.

Lauren Bacall, 1950.

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 21:47:49 -0400

Lauren Bacall, 1950.